Fight or Flight?

Flight, always.

After being molested by two men in my life, my body always stays in fight or flight mode.

Well, mostly flight.

I don't have it in me to fight those people. When one guy had put his hand under my skirt, touching my thighs, I had simply gotten away from him. When one guy had touched me down there, instead of fighting him, I had simply run away.

At that time, I didn't even know many curse words, so I had just uttered the word "kutte" looking at that guy as he also ran away.

Run. That is all I have ever done in my life.

I do remember how I had felt his hand "there". He was gently, almost brushing his hand against it, cupping my private area like it was a casual act for him.

I don't remember how I had gotten away from him. There is a blank space in my memories, a void, where there is nothing but pitch dark.

I just remember looking down at him from upstairs, watching him run away, wearing that black raincoat of his.

That was the last time I saw him.

I hadn't even realised that they had done something bad to me, I had almost forgotten about these memories but they somehow still lingered in my mind, bruising my soul forever.

I knew the second guy had done bad to me, but I didn't know that the first guy who was my classmate had done something awful to a tenth grade girl too.

My body knew that something wasn't right even when my mind didn't.

For days, my body kept making me feel their tainted hands on my body, trying to grasp something to fulfil their sickening lust, treating me like an object.

But hey, I don't think I am in my fight or flight mode just because of these two situations.

Growing up in an abusive household, where you have to be constantly alert, always looking for signs of any possibilities of a fight, my mind always stays highly aware.

You have to be alert in my house, anyone can pick up a knife at any moment here, talking about jumping off a bridge is highly common, women talking about suicide and commiting murder of their children by making them commit suicide is pretty normal here as well.

Digging a knife in your child's head because her legs were dirty is common too.Bashing someone's head into the floor while continuously slapping them is pretty ordinary as well.

After all of this, every loud sound, every scream, every shout, made my heart drop and body flinch. Every single time, I felt something in my body dropping, making me feel the need to get away from that person or place, making me want to lock myself in a room where no one can enter. Where no one can find me.

Where I knew that no one could harm me.

Everytime I go out in crowded public places it makes me feel anxious. I feel my skin crawling every time I feel some stranger's touch there.

And if after hearing all of this, you had asked me what I truly want in my life, I wouldn't know the answer.

Since the beginning of my life, I had been taught to want things every Indian girl should want. Studying till you are old enough to get married, then getting married to a guy chosen by your parents, carrying his kids in my womb and finally, dying after seeing my grandchildren.

Not only this, I wanted to have a luxurious lifestyle, fashionable clothes, desirable makeup, beautiful cars and a big house.

But being away from my parents made me realise that this wasn't what I wanted. These are the things my parents wanted.

I had no desires of my own……. or I just thought so, until someone decided to answer this question for me.

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Stay tuned for the second part!! And yeah, l am not trying to victimise myself, Iam just stating the things which made me the person I am today. I think every factor I mentioned above, it counts. Thankyou so much for reading though!

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